Struggling to Trust in the End Result

Most of us have heard the phrase, “Man plans, God laughs.” And, the phrase usually garners smiles and nods of the head as people commiserate with each other, everyone recalling an incident in their lives where they thought they had things under control, and then God changed the course.

When I became an adult, I decided adult-ing was hard work. I had to take care of myself, I had to be the one to make sure I had food to eat and clean clothes to wear, and I had to pay my own bills. Furthermore, attending Mass on my own? Why would I do that, when I could easily worship God and have a relationship with Him anywhere I was?

Needless to say, the transition from being a child to an adult was pretty rough on me. Granted, it was a transition filled with joy – the time you meet and marry your spouse is always a great time. But, it was still a tough period as I began to truly digest what it means to be an adult.

As I began to gain my footing and emerge from the roller coaster of the adjustment, feeling pretty darned in control of my destiny, God laughed.

As I patted myself on the back for my adult-ing, we found out we were expecting our first child. It was a planned pregnancy, but after months of trying to conceive and having little luck, I had decided to grab the bull by the horns and embrace married life with no children.

And, eight months later, holding a little guy in my arms, I conceded control.

Staring at my lil’ man, I realized I had no clue what I was doing in my life, and I had no clue which direction I was going to end up facing, now that I had a little one who was so utterly dependent.

Having a baby was not a huge adjustment for me – I was highly experienced with children… even the ones who live with you twenty-four hours a day. What was a foreign concept was the weight I felt placed upon my shoulders… the weight of knowing I was responsible for this little guy, and his immortal soul (at least until he hits the age of reason), was pretty heavy.

And, I recognized I had to hand over control to the One who is really in charge of everything …

God.

I found my way back into the fold of the Catholic Faith – and, her Church.

For whatever reason, handing over that control was easy. I realized I couldn’t do it all, and I also didn’t have the desire to do it all.

But, what has been difficult has been trusting…

…trusting in God….

…trusting in His plans…

…and trusting myself to move confidently ahead to implement His plans. 

I don’t worry about how I’m going to get wherever He has planned… I don’t worry about controlling every little part of the process. I maintain faith that living by the rules set forth in the Commandments and by Jesus, I don’t worry about controlling the outcome. But, I doubt the end result.

I have difficulty trusting God’s end goal.

This past weekend, as I was sitting preparing for Mass, I felt a tug on my heart, prompting me to trust Him with His plans for me. And, embedded in the Gospel reading, in Matthew 28:17 was the line,

When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted.

And, I realized – after everything Jesus’ disciples had been through, some still doubted. They saw Him, they worshiped Him, and yet, some still had their doubts. Which made me feel as though my struggles with trust are just that – human struggles.

And, the act of worshiping, and the trust I struggle to place in Him, are two mutually exclusive notions.

Ultimately, I believe my faith will lead me to trusting in God wholly, without reservation. And, perhaps that’s the point – to simply have belief in the process at times.

To have belief in the process, rather than the end result.

I wish I had some sage words of wisdom to impart. But, I don’t.

Instead, perhaps the purpose of this post is to highlight we all struggle with trust from time to time – even the disciples struggled.

Yet, it’s the struggle that makes it all worth it.

For at the end of my life, I hope to pass the ultimate trust fall…

…into our Loving, Merciful Father’s arms!

Throughout the month of June, you’ll hear from some other fantastic writers from the Everyday Ediths cohort. I hope their words will inspire, and allow us to grow together.

Have you struggled with trust?

How have you met those struggles head-on?