I am a planner. Like I am so type A it’s painful.
I am always thinking a week, months, years down the road without even trying – it’s just how my brain works. Much of the time this tendency is useful. Having a talent for administration is one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit, and it is a gift I use heavily.
Being a mom and working the theater and dance worlds has a surprisingly overlapping skill set. In many ways my planning and organizing is necessary to do my vocation well.
Productions enter different phases and require changes to schedules, scripts, music, etc. that have to be noted and implemented.
Making sure I have time to just cuddle and read with the kids AND get them to things on time.
Not forgetting that I have this marriage thing going on that needs attention too.
If God did not already give me the gifts to fulfill these vocations, I would probably be rocking and crying softly to myself in a corner somewhere. But God is good and he gave me these gifts before I knew for which vocation they were needed.
However God does not just ask me to be a fabulous master planner. He asks me to leap.
Like many type A people I eventually arrive at the place where I cannot plan anymore. The world around me, and even my own reactions, fears, and plans, can only be controlled up to a point. Past that point I have to just go for it – leap. For the big things and the little things.
Going back up on pointe in Ballet after an ankle injury was terrifying, but it was time. It had healed, I was strong, my Type A brain had made myself a great rehab schedule that paid off, but now it was time to just get up there and go.
This summer we are planning a massive trip around the country with the kids. We will be hitting Texas, Colorado, Idaho, Wyoming, and Georgia. There is a family reunion, friend and family visits, and two weddings in that trip. My type A logistical brain has plenty of work to do, but the fact remains that there will be a lot of moving parts, two small kids, and a very pregnant me to handle. Even the best plans will require me to trust God and leap.
God is merciful and he does not force me to trust blindly. Because he knows me and loves me. He allows me to do what I need to do – make the plans, use my gifts – and then he gives me the opportunity to trust.
Ultimately that is what it means to live out our discipleship. Know our gifts, and use them, but also surrender those times that are God’s. Walking that balance is the difference between being a type A disciple or serving our own egos.
As much as my weakness wants it to be true, I cannot control everything.
I cannot bear all things.
I cannot hold up the sky alone.
What I can do is accept opportunities for discipleship and trust God is there and will be there.